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Posts Tagged ‘Writings’

Mental health problems…

Posted by ILL Natured_gr on November 28, 2007

 Here’s a great piece sent to me by a friend at MySpace – Props and cheers for the (unknown) writer!!

Recently a friend of mine went a little nuts and had to be put in a state mental institution for a while. Naturally, I was quite worried about him and called to check on his condition. When I called this is what I encountered:

“Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.”

My whole problem with this is that there was no option for me. Not one single option started out with “If you are a sexy monkey, press … whatever!” As you can guess I never got information about my friend! Can you suggest anything?

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